I caught a story on the terrestrial radio morning show(s, both of the ones I listen to reported on it) regarding the ever-forward motion of High School kids in their attempts to stone themselves to retardation. They were detailing an “investigative report” (aka, Paranoia-Inducing Fluff Piece) done by a Phoenix, AZ news station regarding alcohol use and the youth of America (or maybe just Phoenix, as I doubt a small-market station has the nation on lock).

Apparently, one of the “big problems” with the kids are that they are finding new and interesting ways to get drunk. They detailed three different ways these teenagers are using to fuck themselves up. I will list, explain, and dissect each of these obviously well-thought-out and mature methods with which to get ones self laced.
I will remind the audience that these same teenagers also believe that having their friends smash their testicles in ever more interesting ways also seems well-thought-out and mature, especially when you suggest the possibility of putting video of it on YouTube. Then… pure genius.

1. Snorting vodka shots
As in taking a straw, putting one end into a shot glass full of vodka, shoving the business end up your nose, and sucking it in like you have a sinus condition.
If you’ve ever had alcohol, even beer, go down the wrong pipe or end up with it coming up through your nose somehow, you may realize that it burns like the proverbial mother fucker. It burns so badly, in fact, that it may delay your ordering or imbibing of other alcoholic beverages by a significant amount of time.
It’s happened to me before and it feels a little bit like having hot lava in your sinus cavity then blowing your nose into a jalapeno Kleenex.
Why, after the first kid probably falls down in agony, would this be a trend? I mean, sure, you’ll get fucked up, but you’ll also get fucked up. Why go all that way when you can just do the simple thing and drink the damn vodka and reach the same finish line?
The consensus of this television show is that these alternate methods of indroducing sweet, sweet alcohol into the human bloodstream is so that kids can avoid having their breath smell like booze. The thought is also that they would be able to blindly pass a breathalyzer test, as the alcohol isn’t actually going through their mouth. We’ll cover this at the end of the entry. For now, read on and be amazed.

2. Vodka Tampons
No, it’s not some clever name for a drink (which I, most displeasingly, just thought of a perfect recipe for and which would look as bad as it sounds).
It is exactly what the words above describe.
Young Paris-Hilton-slash-Amy-Winehouses-in-training are taking the contraptions belonging to their Aunt Flo and soaking them in booze before well, y’know, using them. This allows for the already versatile baby-making/general playground area of the female body to add another feature – a mini-bar.
The alcohol is absorbed by the body and bitches get drunk. Pretty sick and desperate when you think about it, isn’t it? Depraved and horrifying yet, in the most wrong way possible, surprisingly ingenious. No one’s going to be checking for that shit in high school, trust me on that one. If anyone would even attempt it, there’s a hefty law-suit, possibly jail time, and at least a lifetime of introducing yourself to the neighborhood to look forward to.
According to this report, this is an epidemic among the teen whores-to-be set. At least, as I’ve said before, in Arizona.
I would assume this would probably burn just as badly as the previous idea, but in a much more sensitive location. However much it might hurt, there are still teenagers – fucking teenagers, man – who are willing to suffer through the pain to get their alcohol fix. I’m not even sure the most seasoned professional drunk could have come up with this idea.

Then comes the third.

3. The Anal Beer Bong
You heard that right. Beer bong. Up the ass. With a hose. Like whoa. A lager enema. Reverse drinking at its finest.
The first documented attempt was by Steve-O in one of the Jackass movies. It was, of course, imitated in real life. The thing that Steve-O probably didn’t mention was that a good colonic soaking in some fine amber brew gets you drunk as hell.
I can’t really think of anything else to say here except… why? Why the hell, man? Seriously? Come on, seriously.

The problem with any of these methods, according to the show MANswers (citing the Butt Bong specifically), is that the body absorbs the alcohol without the benefit of passing through the digestive system. Even though you may get buzzed a bit faster, the big problem here is that your liver has almost no say in the matter. The ingested booze is not passed through the liver in any kind of efficient manner because, with either of the internal applications of the sauce, the stuff is coming in through the out doors.
Without your liver filtering the impurities and working it’s shriveled, punished ass off to regulate the flow of alcohol into your bloodstream, you’re pretty much fucked. All the little additives that are more than likely bad for you and which are normally expelled through waste (that’s the scientific word for piss and shit) wind up wandering around your body and probably, over extended exposure time, messing up some internal organs somewhere once they find a suitable home.
Remember, also, that the liver is not regulating the flow of alcohol. Without this regulation, you are more apt to die of alcohol poisoning should you decided to go on an anal or vaginal drinking binge. Have fun with that one, kids. Not to mention all that prolonged exposure to what is essentially a toxic foreign contaminant within your naughty bits is bound to mess up your plumbing.

While your breath may not end up smelling like booze, per se, you would still fail a breathalyzer test using any of those three non-drinking methods. The reason? The body expels alcohol through normal breathing. This is why chewing a stick of gum or smoking a cigarette or using mouthwash or any other wives tale about beating the almighty drunkometer never seem to work out right.

The alcohol is on your breath, even if the scent of it isn’t. Remember that when you devise your next painful and degrading method of consumption for fear of getting caught. It’s pointless and you’re going to kill yourselves. If you really must drink underage, do what the rest of us did in our youth: Wait until someone’s parents go out of town, chase a case, break into the liquor cabinet, and have a blast.

I feel like an old man, now. I’m actually warning the youth about something bad. Oh well. Consider this my public service announcement. Don’t put booze in the butt or the vag. Break into your parent’s stash instead! The more you know!

—end transmission—